I’m not very good at goodbyes.
When I left Japan, I only told a small handful of people, and then told only a few more people just days before I left. My logic was made sense to me, but sounded crazy when I said it out loud: I was too sentimental and too emotional. It was easier to actually NOT say goodbye than to go through the ritual of saying goodbye.
When you say goodbye to people, there are the rituals that come with it. People that you haven’t seen in forever come out of the woodwork, saying they want to spend some time with you. And if you’re paranoid, like me, you sit there and wonder if the “because I’ll miss you when you’re gone” is the implied message, or the “because I just realize I’ve completely ignored you for ages and need to make sure you don’t leave with that as the last thought” which is more likely the real reason for some people.
I rarely get to see all the people I mean to, partially because I’m busy packing, partially because I can’t deal with goodbyes.
If it isn’t clear yet: My time for goodbyes has come. Once upon a time, I thought this day would have come and gone two and a half years ago. Korea was supposed to be a stepping stone back over to Japan. But somewhere between there and here, things happened. I met people. I did things. I fell for this country that I will both fawn upon and curse in the same breath. I’ve grown so much in the past three and a half years here, and I honestly look to my return home in Canada with absolute terror.
When I returned to Canada from Japan, I had this same terrified notion that I was returning to a country where I was completely useless. My teaching experience meant nothing if I wasn’t a certified teacher, and meant little even if I was. I had left Japan because of a global recession, and Canada was still in a pretty bad state, job wise. I worked in what might have been the worst job possible: A call centre. My decision to move to Korea was finalized when I walked out one day at my call centre, going “I need to get out of Canada. I hear Korea is hiring. Lets try there.””
In between then and now, my little site has grown from zero followers to a decent number. I developed an e-magazine that is doing even better. I’m a writer and an editor… But I have those jobs because I am in Korea. How can I be “A Blog Abroad” if I live in Canada? How can I write about K-Pop if I’m not in Seoul?
For the time being, I have a backup plan. I have pages of articles that are just titles and summaries that are waiting to be written, things I will go back and work on well after I’m done here in Korea. Tutorials so new teachers won’t make the same mistakes I made. Guides so people can live easier lives than I did when I first moved to Korea.
Until my grand return to Canada though, I have one week. One week to try see people, and convince myself that this is not a forever goodbye. One week to hope for a miracle that the jobs I wanted will magically call me back, for the guy I’ve been crushing on forever to tell me he likes me back, and for me to pack my life away into two suitcases and a bunch of surface mail boxes and return to the land of the Polar Vortex. (Did I mention I haven’t owned a Canada-Quality sweater since arriving here? I haven’t seen -20º in 3 years. I’m going to die.)
And one week to try and find that awful balance between “too sentimental and cries at everything ” and “Don’t let them in, don’t let them see~ conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know” which is a lot harder than it sounds.
I’m sure I’ll keep you all posted. I’ve got some pretty big things coming in the next few days. 🙂